


The Richest Firbolg in Town

by allmadeofstardust



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dark!Caleb, Gen, Hurt Caduceus Clay, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by It's a Wonderful Life (1946), It's a Wonderful Life, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, dark timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:28:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmadeofstardust/pseuds/allmadeofstardust
Summary: “You mustn’t say things like that, Mister Clay.  Who would they be without you?”Caduceus felt bitterness jade his next words.“Better.”Caduceus gets a chance to see what the world would be like without him in it, with the help of a certain purple tiefling.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Mollymauk Tealeaf, Caduceus Clay & The Mighty Nein
Comments: 11
Kudos: 101





	1. Aeor

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Just a Pause](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27434335) by [Pawthorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pawthorn/pseuds/Pawthorn). 



> This is an (early) Secret Santa present for thalia-amongst-the-thorns on Tumblr! She requested Caduceus and Molly interacting and, well, this monstrosity appeared.

They were losing.

The Mighty Nein (were they really that mighty, after all this?) were backed into a corner, without a plan, without protection, and they were  _ losing. _

And it was Caduceus' fault.

It was him who guided them into the unknown that was this abandoned temple, or so he had thought. Him whose perception of Aeor had been free of dangers, or so he had thought. And it was him who was leaning heavily against a pillar in the back of the room, desperately trying to help, to heal his friends, to damage the monstrous nightmare that was looming over all of them, and failing spectacularly.

He had counted heads (more like counting bodies) of who was up, who was still fighting, and there were too few. He heaved heavy breaths through distinctly broken ribs, his legs shaking uncontrollably underneath him. He raised the staff that he was gripping onto for dear life, summoned whatever remnants of magic rested within him. It wasn't enough.  _ It wasn't enough _ .

The sacred flame seemed to irritate the monstrosity more than harm it, but it turned towards him. Away from the others. Caduceus had its attention. That was  _ good. _

He took a shaky step forward, using his staff as a walking stick, staring at the...demon? Abomination? He supposed it didn't matter. He locked eyes with its horrible face and approached it with determination.

If he did anything for the Nein, for his  _ friends _ , let it be this. It was his fault that they suffered. It was his fault that this had happened. If he had to die to stop this, let it be now.

He stopped as he drew level with the beast as it beared down with frightening ferocity. He felt the highest level of his power channel through his staff, himself - felt his love for his friends fuel his magic. He murmured words, closed his eyes.

He felt the bright flash of the spell through his eyelids, searing his fur with divine energy.

Caduceus opened his eyes and saw the monster still standing. Growling down at him, barely hurt. He saw its hand, if one could call it that, fly upwards towards his face in one last brutal attack.

He felt betrayed, he felt horrified.

But mostly he felt guilty.

" _ Caduceus!" _ he heard, far away.

The pain was brief and blinding, and unimportant.

He felt like he was flying.


	2. Mollymauk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Pawthorn for their galaxy brain take on Cad's perspective and thoughts on death and suicide. Go read their fic now!

When Caduceus woke up, there was someone standing over him, peering down at his slowly blinking eyes. He squinted in the glowing light that surrounded him, wincing in anticipation of a headache that didn’t come.

“Knocked yourself pretty hard there, didn’t ya?” the person above him called in a lilting voice.

Caduceus found that focusing on the figure took surprisingly little effort, so he did so. It was a tiefling man, with lavender skin and curling horns adorned with an arrangement of jewelry and ornaments. He wore an ostentatious coat of multiple colors that had Caduceus squinting again, and there was a peacock tattoo curling up his neck. He was smiling down at Caduceus with a knowing smirk. He looked oddly familiar.

“Don’t worry, you’re safe now,” the tiefling said, extending his hand. “Well, for a time.”

Caduceus took the man’s outstretched fingers with caution, and he found himself being pulled effortlessly to his feet. He looked around, taking in his surroundings, or lack thereof. They both seemed to be in some sort of liminal space - there were a few chairs, plain walls, even a portrait of a serene poppy field. If Caduceus hadn’t known any better, he would have sworn he was in some sort of waiting room, or antechamber, to something bigger, but the more he looked for an exit, the harder it became, as if it were constantly in the corner of his eye.

“I wouldn’t think on it too much,” the tiefling commented, wrapping an arm around Caduceus’ shoulders and guiding him over to a chair. “Come, sit.”

He obediently took a seat across from the man, who crossed his legs and leaned forward, chin resting in the palm of his hand.

“If I may be so blunt,” Caduceus attempted. “Am I dead?”

The tiefling laughed.

“You could be, you could not be. Honestly I don’t think it’s up to me to decide that, really.”

Caduceus took that in. He examined the tiefling.

“And who are you?”

The grin widened.

“An excellent question!” He gave a short curtsy while still staying seated. “Mollymauk Tealeaf, at your service.”

Caduceus’ eyes widened.

“I thought you looked awfully familiar. There’s a man wandering around Eiselcross with your face.”

Mollymauk scowled.

“ _ That _ man is a fraud.” He forced back the grin. “But  _ that _ is for another time entirely. I would think you’d be more concerned with your current predicament. Or, at least, what led you here.”

“I tried to save my friends,” Caduceus commented evenly, trying to keep his voice level. “I don’t think I did a very good job.”

His hands curled reflexively in his lap.

“I failed them. And that was all that I was worth, in the end.”

Mollymauk considered him in silence for such a long time that Caduceus felt partially offended.

“What?” he demanded. “The only reason they were suffering, that that  _ thing _ emerged, that  _ any _ of them had gotten hurt, was  _ me _ .”

“So you die for them?” Mollymauk asked coolly.

“It’s not like this is my first time,” Caduceus snapped. “Even before I met them, I’d experienced the vast emptiness that is eternal sleep. And I’m not afraid of it. My family taught me how to confront it. How to embrace it.”

He sighed and sank back into his chair.

“Maybe this is it. Maybe it’s for the best. That’s all I was ever good for,” he sighed. “Making things die.”

Mollymauk clicked his tongue and shook his head.

“You mustn’t say things like that, Mister Clay. Who would they be without you?”

Caduceus felt bitterness jade his next words.

“Better.”

“You fight for your friends, you save them, and this is how - ”

“I didn’t save them!” Caduceus felt hollow, guilt eating at him from the inside. “I barely made a dent, and I ended up here. If I had never led them there in the first place - ”

“So? It was a one time mistake.”

Caduceus growled, frustrated that this old friend of the Nein wasn’t  _ getting _ it.

“You don’t  _ understand _ ,” he pressed. “All this time, I’ve been doing things  _ wrong _ . Guiding them the wrong way, bringing hurt and anguish with me into their lives, and what have I done? Failed to help, failed to heal. My friends got hurt. Fjord  _ died _ . I never knew where the Wildmother was taking me. Even my family…”

His voice caught in his throat.

“They would never have gotten hurt if I hadn’t driven them away.  _ Nobody _ would have gotten hurt if I had just…”

He bent his head, taking in a shaky breath, trying to quell the awful feelings building in his chest, the tears threatening to burst through.

There was a hand on his shoulder that wasn’t there a moment ago. He looked up into Mollymauk’s eyes which were filled with, not pity, but amusement. It felt wrong.

“You really think they’d be better off with you dead after fighting a giant monster?”

“No,” Caduceus spat. “They’d all be better off if they’d never have met me. If I’d never been born.”

The corner of Mollymauk’s mouth twitched upwards. Something...unnatural moved in the air, just the smallest shift, like a giant ice floe finally breaking away from its mooring place.

“Alright, Mister Clay,” Mollymauk said, squeezing Caduceus’ shoulder. “Let’s see what that world is really like, shall we?”


	3. Yasha

The room around them shimmered in a haze, before melting away altogether, and suddenly they were both outside. There was rain thundering down from above, soaking Caduceus’ fur and hair as thunderclouds rolled in, the noise echoing deafeningly across the open plain that Caduceus and Mollymauk were looking over.

“Mollymauk,” Caduceus said, blinking long eyelashes against the rain.

“Oh, please, Molly is just fine. We’re going to be seeing an awful lot of each other for the foreseeable future, anyway.”

Caduceus didn’t want to consider the implications of that statement just yet, not when he was so confused.

“Where are we?” he asked instead.

Molly squinted in the downpour, holding a hand above his eyes to shield them from the water.

“Xhorhas, I think. Northern edge.”

“And why are we here?” Caduceus said. He didn’t much care for being out in the cold rain like this.

“You’ll see.”

There was nothing around them for miles, but Caduceus waited. A few minutes later, he saw movement nearby, in an area which had previously been covered by heavy fog. A battle was happening, though it was more of a small fight - a woman with long dark hair was wielding a large greatsword against two fighters, and they were losing horribly. He winced as both went down in a single swipe, cleaved in two. The woman stumbled back, panting, and turned her face towards the rain above.

_ Yasha _ .

Caduceus took a step forward, expecting Molly to follow, but he stayed where he was. Caduceus shrugged it off and approached Yasha, grateful to see his friend alive and well but hesitant as to the circumstances that had gotten her here.

“Yasha?” he called out. “Are you alright?”

Her head whipped towards him, and her eyes were crazed and out of focus, as they usually were during her rages. But it had been more than a minute since she had felled her opponents, and this look in her eyes wasn’t going away.

“Yasha, I’m so glad to see you’re okay,” Caduceus continued, taking another step forward. His foot snapped a stray twig, and Yasha straightened up, growling. She leveled her greatsword at his chest.

“Who are you?” she demanded in a low roar. This wasn’t her. Had she been possessed again, taken away against her will? Why was she  _ here _ , why wasn’t she fighting with the Nein in Eiselcross? Why were they  _ both _ here?

“Yasha, you have to listen to me,” Caduceus pressed, raising his hands in surrender, trying to pacify her. “I’m your friend.”

The rage in her eyes wasn’t disappearing. Why was it still there?

“You know who I am,” he said, trying to stay calm. “I helped you.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“You didn’t help me.”

He took the words as a blow that he tried to ignore, instead electing to keep moving towards her.

“I did. I helped your friends save you from the Iron Shepherds, remember?”

Recognition seemed to flash in her face, but it wasn’t the type he wanted. Instead, it gave way to pain and  _ hatred _ .

“No one came for me,” she hissed. “My friends abandoned me. All those who didn’t  _ die _ first.”

“Yasha,  _ no _ ,” Caduceus tried, but she was already raising her sword.

“If you knew about me then, you’re working with them!” she cried, taking a step that radiated out like the thunder around her. She let out a shriek of anguish and let the blade fall.

Caduceus was already gone, turned invisible and retreating with tears in his eyes. He watched Yasha as her sword hit nothing, watched her scream in frustration as she cleaved through the dead grass around her.

He finally emerged far away and out of sight by Molly’s side.

“ _ Mollymauk _ ,” he gasped, trying to swallow a wave of nausea at the sight of his friend so brutally not herself. “What did you  _ do _ to her?!”

Molly tilted his head.

“ _ I _ didn’t do anything,” he explained enigmatically. "It's funny what loneliness and betrayal can do to an already fragile mind."

“Then this is a vision,” Caduceus panted. “A sign from the gods. Because  _ that -  _ ”

He pointed at the faint outline of Yasha as she charged around the empty field, screaming.

“ - is not real. It is a fantasy inside my head, and I would  _ prefer _ if you take me away from it.”

Molly frowned, looking over at Yasha, and Caduceus’ heart sank.

“She thinks you’re dead,” he realized. “You could make her better,  _ right now _ .”

Molly offered him a sad smile.

“I could say the same thing to you.”

Caduceus shook his head.

“No. No, I never...you saw that. I’m no good for her.”

“Well, unfortunately for her, I am dead.” Molly turned away from Yasha as the fog swallowed her up. “You, on the other hand, have a very interesting gift at your disposal.”

“Which is  _ what _ ,” Caduceus asked, exasperated.

“Seeing the world with new eyes.”

“No.  _ No _ , I want to go to the Nein. I need to make sure they’re - ”

“Oh, they’re alive. You were right, they didn’t need you. In fact, they’re no longer in Eiselcross at all.”

Caduceus sucked in a sharp breath.

“Then show me my friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's gonna be a lotta *implications* in this here fic, and i hope you like em, cuz the best part about stories like this is what is left to the imagination!


	4. Veth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay - my life is really crazy right now. Luckily I've gotten most of these pre-written!

Molly nodded, and took his hand. He sidestepped, and the world shifted. A bustling city rose up around them, with high towers in the distance and people funneling their way through the streets.

Rexxentrum. This was the capital, Caduceus recognized it at once, and suddenly his worries were all but vanished. Molly said his friends were alive, that they weren’t in Eiselcross, so they must be here. He had taken a detour, and found himself here, and all he had to do now was find them again, and everything would be alright.

“Molly,” he urged the tiefling, who was leaning slightly out of sight against the wall behind them. “Molly, where are the Nein?”

“Around,” the tiefling answered cryptically. He had his arms crossed as he observed Caduceus with a small smile.

“ _ Molly. _ ”

A crash echoed down the street from an alley nearby, making Caduceus jump. He turned towards the sound and saw something dart out of sight down an alley. He approached with caution, and as he turned into the darkened street he saw a small figure stumble carelessly into the side of a trash bin.

“Excuse me,” he began, stepping forward, eager to help. “Are you - ”

There was a commotion behind him, and he turned in time to see two crownsguard breach the entrance to the alley, weapons raised. They peered at Caduceus with confusion, while the small figure yelped and went tumbling further into the alley, but it dead ended at a wall.

“Sir,” one of the guardsmen ordered. “I suggest you move aside, unless you wish to interfere with our business.”

Caduceus cast a glance over his shoulder at the small person who was now clawing desperately at the bricks of the wall, looking for a way out. Finding none, they turned, unsteady on their feet, and Caduceus noticed a large green ear sticking out from underneath their hood.

“I don’t see what  _ business _ you have with a disoriented creature such as that,” he noted.

“That  _ thing _ has been terrorizing the Shimmer Ward for the past week,” the guard snapped. “Stealing valuable artifacts, information. We spotted it drunkenly attempting to break into Master Ikithon’s tower this morning.”

The green ear twitched upwards in recognition of the name, as did Caduceus’ own senses.

“Bastards,” a voice from beneath the hood spat, and Caduceus recognized it instantly in alarm. He spun on the spot, guards forgotten, as he looked at the figure closer. It was hard to see in the dim light, but he saw the bandages, the mask, the yellow eyes wide with fright.

“Nott?” he breathed.

The guards were shoving past him now, and Nott shrieked in terror as they grappled at her with intensity.

“Stop, stop!” Caduceus cried, attempting to pry them off of her, but one of them shoved him backwards with a hardy shield.

“Don’t interfere,” he growled. “Or else we’ll have to lock you up too.”

Caduceus felt anger swell up in him as he watched Nott sway on the spot, and only now he could smell the distinct reek of alcohol all over her little body. She looked dazed, like she was in a stupor, and what little fight she was giving against the guards quickly drained out of her as they lifted her cleanly off the ground.

“ _ Please _ ,” Caduceus begged the guards as they produced manacles. “Please just let her go.”

“If you want it free so badly you can take it up with the prison master,” a guard grumbled.

Caduceus felt magic at his fingertips and briefly considered the difficulty of taking on two fully armed crownsguard, when Nott coughed slightly and looked up at him through hooded tired eyes. She squinted against the light streaming in from behind him.

“C - Caleb?”

Her voice was so shaky and strained that it took Caduceus a moment to understand what she was saying, and by that time the guards had restrained her fully. Her head - goblin, not halfling,  _ what had happened _ \- lolled in intoxication. She was a mess, drunk and lost and alone. Where were the others? Where were her friends, where was  _ Caleb? _

“I’m not,” Caduceus said. “Where is he?”

It was the wrong question, for Nott’s watery eyes furrowed in anger as the guards began dragging her away. She fought weakly against their grasp as they drew level with Caduceus, who still refused to let them pass.

“Move aside, stranger,” the one grasping Nott’s arms demanded. “I won’t ask another time.”

“She was in the Shimmer Ward.” Caduceus repeated their words, trying to piece it all together. “She was trying to get into Ikithon’s tower.”

“Nearly had its way, too. But luckily his bodyguard chased it off.”

“His body - ”

“Are you going to stand aside or not?” the guard asked in exasperation. The other was leveling his sword at Caduceus’ chest. He raised his hands in surrender and took a step backward, keeping his eyes on Nott.

“Where is he?” he asked again, desperate this time.

Nott seemed to blink herself out of her stupor long enough to register his words. Her face was soured and distraught.

“He took him,” she whispered harshly. “He took my boy away from me.”

The guards took advantage of Caduceus’ momentary stunned nature to finally shove past him, pulling an unwilling Nott behind them. As he watched them go, helpless, he spotted a woman dash briefly out of view at the entrance of the alley. She was wearing cobalt blue.


	5. Beau

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late upload, got distracted by work. But I'm on permanent vacation now so yay!

“Beauregard?” Caduceus asked in disbelief.

There was no answer, so he pressed onward. He emerged from the alley, his eyes following the guards and Nott in the corner of his perception. He would find her again, figure whatever this was out, but for now all he had eyes for was Beau.

She was leaning against the wall where Molly had been standing not a few minutes before (the tiefling himself was notably absent, and Caduceus noted that mystery down for later), exuding a brazen confidence that did not match her eyes, nor the slight tremble in her hands.

“What do  _ you _ want?” she snapped at him, and he noticed her eyes weren’t on him, but on the guards dragging Nott away.

“Beau, I - ”

“Don’t know who this  _ Beau _ is, but I don’t think you’d like her.”

“It’s  _ me _ ,” he pleaded. “It’s Caduceus.”

She raised an eyebrow, then nodded after the guards, who finally turned a corner and went out of sight.

“Come to see the show?” she quipped, still defensive.

“She is my friend,” Caduceus explained. He took a deep breath. “So are you.”

She shook her head.

“Don’t know who you are,” she said. “You know her from somewhere?”

She jutted her chin towards where the guards had disappeared. He heaved a large breath, still casting his eyes out for Molly so he could demand an explanation. He didn’t like this, this illusion in which his friends were hurting.

“They said she was trying to break into Ikithon’s tower,” he urged her. “Please, Beau, why was she there? Where’s Caleb?”

At the name her body went taut like a wire.

“Why the hell should I tell you?” she snapped haughtily. “Not like you knew him. Were ever there for him.”

The words hurt, because they were  _ true _ . He  _ had _ let his friends down,  _ had _ been a failure. But he needed to know the truth of things if he were to ever make it right.

“Because, it may surprise you to know, I care about him.” He tried to steady his shaking voice. “Because I want to help.”

Beau scoffed.

“Fat lot of good help’ll do him  _ now _ .” She pointed with a vengeance towards the Shimmer Ward. “If he’s what you’re after, feel free to go look for him yourself. Trust me, I’ve already tried talking with him.”

She stared at the ground. “Like words can change things now,” she added in a muttered whisper.

“What about you?” Caduceus tried. “Beau, I’ve seen some strange things in the past few hours and you’re the first friendly face I’ve come across. Please, you have to help me. Mollymauk is - ”

If Caleb’s name had made her rigid, Molly’s name sent her leaping bolt upright, shoving herself off the wall and curling her hands into fists.

“The  _ fuck _ you know about Molly?!” she hissed through gritted teeth.

“He sent me here,” Caduceus explained as he tried to placate her aggressive stance. “I don’t know why, and I don’t know  _ how _ , but he - ”

“Molly’s  _ dead _ ,” Beau growled. “And if you ask me so is anyone in his stupid past. Get the fuck out of here before I pummel you myself.”

“Beau,  _ please _ , I’m not - ”

“Then what the hell are you, huh? Cuz you sure as hell aren’t  _ my _ friend. Or Caleb’s, or Nott’s, or  _ Jester’s -  _ ”

There were tears in her eyes as she mentioned the blue tiefling, and Caduceus latched onto them quickly.

“Jester, yes! I know her, where is she? She can help, she can - ”

The punch was unexpected and horrifically on target, landing squarely on his jaw. He felt it crack beneath his teeth as he stumbled backwards, gripping at it in pain.

“Jester can’t help  _ anybody _ where she is!” Beau screamed. “How  _ dare _ you. It was just me who pulled her out, did you know that? All by myself, and all I could find was Jester, and you know what they did to her? Do you want to  _ know _ you nosy little bastard?”

Caduceus couldn’t respond, the pain of moving his jaw too much at the moment. He stared at Beau in dawning horror.

“I had lost  _ everything _ . Everyone I loved, so when I found her I thought things would be okay. But she wouldn’t talk to me. Wouldn’t say anything. Just sat and stared right through me, like I wasn’t there.”

She sniffed audibly as she panted, waiting for Caduceus to recover so she could punch him again. He stayed where he was.

“I got her back to her mom, at least.” Beau’s voice choked up. “Figured she’d be happy there. Happy as she could be. But she didn’t even recognize her own  _ mother _ .”

“Beau, I - ”

She had been expecting some sort of signal to land another blow, and this time she struck his ribs. He fell onto the dirty pavement with a groan, hissing in agony, but he ignored all of it in favor of staring up at Beau, guilt and fear twisting in his stomach.

“I thought I could make things better, you know. Do what Molly wanted. But I couldn’t even save Nott. And now I’m taking it all out on you, some stupid stranger, because of course I am. It’s all I’m good at anymore.”

“Beau - ”

“ _ Save it _ ,” she snarled, teeth exposed like a rabid dog. “You can fuck right on back to whoever sent you.  _ I’m _ going to go get my last friend back.”

She threw out her coat and flexed her fingers, then shoved away a few stray tears.

“Whatever’s left of her.”

She disappeared down the street before Caduceus could reply.

The moment she was gone, Molly stepped out of seemingly thin air, as if he had been invisible.

“You’ve gotten yourself in a rather fine pickle, haven’t you?” he asked with an air of amusement.

Caduceus brushed a bit of healing magic against his broken jaw, sealing it back into place, but the action felt hollow. He was undeserving of it. This was his fault. All of it.

“What did you do to me,” Caduceus said softly, pushing himself back onto his feet while leaning heavily against the wall.

“Like I said,  _ I _ didn’t do anything. This was your own choice, and a mighty fine one at that. You’ve gotten a wonderful gift.”

Caduceus glared at him.

“I hope you understand right now that I am acting benevolently towards you because you are the Nein’s  _ friend _ . But if you do not get me out of this illusion and back to reality - ”

Molly shook his head.

“This  _ is _ reality, my friend. Well, a new one, at least.”

Caduceus heaved an irritated sigh.

“What do you want from me?” he asked. “From what I had heard from the Nein, you were never so vindictive.”

Molly laughed.

“They’ve obviously been telling you the wrong stories. I was plenty vindictive. But I was also caring, and playful, and charismatic, and delightfully murderous. All the good traits one should have, to be honest.”

“So why do this to me?”

“Because you asked me to. And if I can do anything in this afterlife of mine, it can be to take care of my friends’ friends.”

Something about this man radiated kindness, and Caduceus felt a desire to get to know him, if the time came. But for now, he was overcome with guilt, and he felt angry at how Molly had cursed him, or done whatever had happened, to show him his worst fears.

“I need answers,” he decided. “And if you aren’t going to give them to me, I’ll find someone who will.”

“And who might that be?”

Caduceus turned towards the Shimmer Ward, and the Candles that grew over top of the rooftops in the distance.

“Oh, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” Molly mused.

“I don’t care.”

“You won’t like it.”

“Anything’s better than here,” Caduceus answered, and he walked down the street.


	6. Caleb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit late, i know: holidays + family = whoops where did the day go????
> 
> at least this one is honestly my fave of the lot. enjoy :3

As he expected, he was stopped near the entrance to the grounds, two bored-looking guardsmen blocking his path forward.

“What’s your business here?” one of them asked.

“I have a message for Master Ikithon,” Caduceus said evenly.

The guard’s brow narrowed.

“What is it, I’ll pass it on.”

“It is a little more urgent than that,” Caduceus tried, hoping he could at least talk his way past these people.

“Whatever it is can wait,” the guard replied, scowling.

“I don’t think you understand - ”

“Oh, I understand just fine. You think we’ll let you waltz right up to his tower and - ”

“Let him pass.”

The Zemnian accent was sharp and crisp, starker than Caduceus had ever heard it, but it no doubt emanated from Caleb, who was approaching the guards from behind, his posture rigid.

“But, Mage Widogast - ”

“You heard me.”

The guards stammered slightly, but parted on command, leaving an empty path to Caleb, who was peering down at Caduceus with cautious curiosity.

“If you desire to speak to Master Ikithon, you can speak with me,” Caleb.said flatly. He beckoned Caduceus forward with one swift movement.

This was wrong. Caduceus could feel it already, seeping into his bones like acid, but he followed Caleb without hesitation. They walked a ways into the immaculate gardens that Caduceus had seen not a month ago, when he had confronted Ikithon in his own home. He caught sight of the mage’s tower coming around the corner, but Caleb stopped them both before they could get closer.

“You’re a curious fellow,” he said, and now that Caduceus could properly see him in the light, he noticed how immaculate he looked - cleaned up, with proper mage’s robes. He held himself regally, spine ramrod straight, hands clasped behind him. It was so  _ alien _ , so foreign to what Caleb truly was, and it had Caduceus on the defensive already, ready to figure out what the hell was wrong with his friend.

“I suppose I should ask what the message is, but something tells me you are not here to give such words to me.”

“I - no, I suppose I am not,” Caduceus admitted. Lying was never especially his strong suit.

“Then why are you here?”

“I...I am here to find you.”

Some form of emotion flickered across Caleb’s face for a fleeting moment, but it was gone before Caduceus could recognize it. Caleb closed his eyes and exhaled softly.

“She sent you, didn’t she?”

Caduceus didn’t need to ask who he was referring to. The memory of Beau’s anger and sorrow towards Caleb was vivid in his mind.

“Yes,” he replied quietly. “She - as well as I - wants to know what you are doing here.”

“I would have thought it obvious.”

“You’re Ikithon’s bodyguard.”

A small scowl.

“I am far more than that.”

“But you work for him. You’ve gone back to him.”

Now the emotion was more palpable, and Caduceus gleaned it easily - anger, masking the smallest tinge of regret. He grabbed onto it and refused to let go.

“Caleb, you have to listen to me.”

“Did she tell you my entire story, then?” Caleb sneered in disgust. “Then learn this: I failed her. I failed  _ everyone _ . I am nothing in their eyes.”

“Caleb, that’s not  _ true -  _ ”

“If I had been stronger, I would have been able to save them.” The way he spoke, with wooden words and a steady tone, frightened Caduceus to the core. “I would have stopped them from breaking.”

Caduceus shook his head.

“Caleb, you can’t think that way.”

“I tried  _ making friends _ .” He spat the words in disgust. “I tried running away, and look where it got me. Here, I can control the horrors of the world and contain them. I am  _ better _ here.”

He said it with such conviction, but there was a haunted look in his eyes that Caduceus vowed not to ignore.

“You’re my friend, Caleb. And I promise you that - ”

“I knew people, once, who held empty promises,” Caleb interrupted. One of his hands had emerged from behind him and was finding its way into his components pouch. “They swore that I would be a better man if I followed them. If I abandoned my past, if I dared to  _ love _ .”

Caduceus smelled the iron before he saw it in Caleb’s hand, and he took a step backwards.

“Caleb - ”

“I’d suggest you leave,” the wizard said in an even voice, filled with threat that felt hollow.

Caduceus stood his ground.

“No.  _ No _ . If I can do anything in my sorry life, let me help you. You deserve more than this, Caleb.”

The laughter was unexpected, and cruel. It wasn’t amused, or even vindictive. Just emotionless. Empty.

“I deserve nothing,” Caleb whispered. “Except what I have here.”

“There is nothing here but pain.”

A small smirk, filled with bitterness.

“That’s the idea.” He rubbed the iron into his palm.

Caduceus managed to dive out of the way enough to avoid the brunt of the flames, but they still caught at his sleeve. He ignored the pain in favor of running away, back towards the entrance, but Caleb’s attack followed him, blocking his path out. He changed directions, careening further into the gardens and hiding behind an ugly topiary.

“Molly!” he cried desperately. “Molly, where are you,  _ please _ !”

He felt the fire burning behind him, but he had nowhere to go.

“ _ Molly _ !”

The tiefling appeared from behind a hedge, shaking his head and tapping his foot casually. He motioned Caduceus forward, and as he took a step the gardens melted away, revealing an empty alley. Caduceus panted heavily as he patted out the flames still licking at his arm.

“Mollymauk,” he gasped. “I don’t like this. None of it.”

Molly frowned, for the first time seemingly sympathetic. He knelt down next to Caduceus as the firbolg slid down the wall to collapse onto the stones below.

“I did this,” he managed, pressing his face into his hands. “It was me. I was never good for these people, even in death.”

“Y'know, I think people underestimate their own power sometimes,” Molly mused. “How good they are to others.”

“If this is what I am to them, then it proves me right. I am useless.”

“You’re not very smart, are you my friend?” Molly said bluntly. “This wasn’t a cruel trick of mine to prove you  _ right _ . It’s a bit of showmanship, to prove you  _ wrong _ .”

He gestured to the city around them.

“You really had a wonderful life, Caduceus. You affected so many people, saved twice that. Do you really think it’s better off without you?”

Caduceus snapped his eyes up at Molly.

“Molly,” he begged. “Where’s Fjord?”

Molly’s face fell.

“ _ Please _ .” Caduceus gripped at Molly’s coat. “Tell me where he is.”


	7. Fjord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry

He smelled the sea before he saw it. They were far from Rexxentrum, and there was a storm sweeping the jagged rocks that made up the coastline. There was no port here, no safe harbor, but a ship still remained anchored nearby, swaying dangerously in the heavy waves. Caduceus found himself on a ragged outcropping overlooking the terrifying vastness of the open ocean below. The ship, in the near distance, was crewless and abandoned, and Fjord was standing at the top of the rocks, gazing out at the water as it crashed mercilessly into the side of the boat, threatening to capsize it with every breath it took.

“Fjord!” Caduceus cried, but it would be a miracle if he could be heard over the storm. Fjord paid him no heed, instead focusing on something Caduceus could not see, something beyond the rocks, something  _ below _ .

**_LEARN. GROW. PROVOKE._ **

The words echoed like a gong, loud and unrelenting, in the very air around him. He tried to move towards Fjord but the ground shook beneath him, forcing him off balance. Molly was somewhere behind him, but all that mattered was Fjord, who had outstretched a hand. His falchion appeared, summoned, with no Star Razor in sight, and Caduceus feared the worst.

“ _ Fjord!” _ he tried again, but the voice was now more powerful, and without mercy.

**_CONSUME. REWARD._ **

Caduceus took another heavy step forward. He was so close, if he could just  _ reach him _ .

**_RELEASE_ ** .

Fjord raised the falchion up. Caduceus watched in horror as he turned the point of it towards his own chest.

“ _ No! _ ” Caduceus cried, flinging himself towards Fjord, his friend, his companion of the Wildmother. His feet stumbled and he fell, and in doing so grabbed Fjord’s arm and yanked it down, the falchion skimming off of his skin and bringing with it miniscule beads of blood.

“W - what?” Fjord gasped, seeing Caduceus for the first time.

“Fjord,  _ please _ ,” he begged him, trying unsuccessfully to pull the falchion away further. He wanted to throw it off the cliff, he wanted to be  _ rid _ of it, but Fjord was holding on too tightly. “Don’t do this.”

“It’s not about what I want anymore,” Fjord said, so quietly Caduceus could barely hear him over the storm. “I lost the right to live my own life long ago.”

“Because you were abandoned,” Caduceus pressed on. “Because you were taken from those you love, because I wasn’t there to save you.”

Fjord’s eyes widened in shock, and he seemed to fall back a step, though his grip on the falchion remained the same.

“He’ll give me power,” he whispered, a clap of thunder masking all but the breath of his voice. “I could get them back.”

He blinked away tears.

“I could get  _ her _ back.”

Caduceus shook his head.

“I’m sorry,” he pleaded. “I’m so sorry, I caused this, I caused  _ all _ of this.”

“Y - you - ?”

“Take this out on me. But you can’t release him. You’re more than him, Fjord. You’re stronger, you’re braver, you’re - ”

**_PUNISH_ ** .

The word no sooner verberated through Caduceus’ head than Fjord’s hand tightened on the falchion and swung it wide. It caught Caduceus across the chest, and he stumbled and fell with a cry that was lost to the cacophony of the sea. Fjord raised the blade above his head, and Caduceus managed to look up into the eyes of a man whom he had once called a brother - whom he cared about too much to comprehend - as he brought the falchion down for a kill.

The blow fell swiftly and evenly, cleanly even, despite the horrific nature of its maker, its context, its  _ wielder _ . Caduceus didn’t feel it hit him. He didn’t feel anything anymore. He watched his body fall, as if from above, blood pooling underneath it. Watched Fjord turn back towards the sea.

**_RELEASE_ ** **.**

The voice was beyond an order now. It was a plea, a creature, a god, begging to be set free, offering false promises, ready to betray its servants the moment it escaped. It’s what would happen to Fjord.

He raised his falchion and plunged it into his chest.

He fell to his knees as the blood poured out, sliding sickeningly off the rocks, into the water below.

Caduceus couldn’t do anything. He was already gone.

In the times when he had passed beyond the mortal veil, he had never stuck around to see the aftermath. He had been content, happy even, as he consumed visions from the Wildmother, as he felt closer to her than ever, and if those were his last moments, with his goddess, surrounded by warmth and comfort, then that wasn’t so bad.

This. This was horrific. This was everything death  _ shouldn’t _ be. This was him forced to watch as his brother, his best friend, his companion bled out on the rocks. He heard a distant roar, getting closer and closer, as he watched with dull attention the Cloven Crystal roll out of Fjord and off the cliff. He must have heard it impact with the water, but it didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered.

He thought he saw a glimpse of purple skin, a multi-colored coat, from off to his side, but he didn’t care anymore. This was his fault. This was all his fault, and he was frozen here, staring at the lifeless body of Fjord, a result of Caduceus’ failures.

_ This wasn’t a cruel trick of mine to prove you right. It’s a bit of showmanship, to prove you wrong. _

It wasn’t that he  _ could _ have stopped this. It was that he  _ did _ .

The sky was growing dark around him, swallowed up by a beast rising from the waters.

He belonged with his family. He belonged home and safe. He needed to live again, to be there for them, to stop this from happening.

_ I want to live again  _ he pleaded.  _ Please, Molly, I want to live again. _

He almost heard the tiefling’s voice in his head.  _ Are you sure? _

He wasn’t sure. If he went back, he could still mess up. He could still ruin his friend’s lives, still fail them. He could still watch them all die.

_ But I could be there for them when they do. It’s what I’m good at. Helping things die. _

But not him. Not today.

_ Please, Molly. _

He felt rather than saw the smirk at the edges of purple lips.


	8. The Mighty Nein

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Winter's Crest everyone! I decided to post this the eve before as a special gift (and also bc I'll be super busy tomorrow). I wish you all a happy holiday full of love, peace, and joy.

The Wildmother’s magic was always a soothing feeling, though the amount of times Caduceus had felt its effects from another hand were small. For a moment, he thought he was back with his family, years ago. Aunt Corrin would be preparing a spell to bring him back from the state he’d been in - death was such a funny thing that way. He didn’t recall any particularly memorable visions from the Wildmother this time. Only nightmares fueled by guilt and anguish. He was glad to be back.

Or maybe he wasn’t with his family, for their familiar sounds were absent around him. He was alone, then, in the grove, the quiet of the trees and the graves surrounding him. He had finally done it, of course he did. He had sought out the Wildmother’s help, her guidance, and had slipped beyond this realm, because he needed to. He  _ wanted _ to. He had been alone,  _ so _ alone, and he just wanted answers.

But what were these answers? These images of pain, of his friends - 

His friends! He had friends, people he cared about. He needed to know they were safe, but he found he couldn’t quite move. That wasn’t good. He needed to breathe, but he couldn’t. He needed to live, but he was struggling to.

He needed to live.

He  _ wanted _ to  _ live. _

He heard voices, now. People muttering. He thought he heard crying from somewhere, soft and heartfelt.

Something shifted inside his chest, something slotting back into place that wasn’t just a broken bone, and he took a heaving gasping  _ alive _ breath.

“Caduceus!” It was Jester’s voice, but this wasn’t Jester’s magic. This was the Wildmother. He felt it in his very core.

His eyes fluttered open to reveal the Nein around him, all looking concerned while simultaneously beaten and bloody. He saw Beau cradling a broken arm to her chest, Caleb with a massive gash across his stomach, and he was struggling to stay upright, but for some reason, all eyes were on Caduceus.

He needed to heal them. He needed to help his friends.

He moved to get up, but Fjord was there, pushing him back down. There were tears in his eyes, tears he wasn’t wiping away, and the soft green of Melora’s magic was fading from his fingertips.

“Welcome back,” Fjord said, chuckling slightly in sheer disbelief, and the reality of the situation hit Caduceus in full force. He looked at each of his friends in turn. He saw Beau’s bedraggled smile, and just as quickly saw her anger and hatred in the streets of Rexxentrum. He saw Caleb’s pained grimace as he tried to be happy while bleeding out, and all Caduceus could focus on was his alter self, standing straight and tall underneath the grip of someone so evil they twisted his friend into a monster.

Caduceus swallowed heavily.

“I - I’m so sorry,” he managed, closing his eyes. “ _ I’m so sorry. _ ”

“No, no, no!” Jester exclaimed. “You can’t be sorry, why are you - ”

“Because I failed you.”

Everyone exchanged looks. Caleb leaned heavily on Yasha’s shoulder as he took a shaky step forward.

“You have not failed us,” he said. “You did everything you possibly could.”

Caduceus shook his head.

“In another life. Somewhere else.”

He looked around, then, for Molly. The tiefling was nowhere to be seen, but for some reason he caught sight of one of their bags - cast aside, the cover dislodged, and he could see a sliver of multi-colored fabric poking out from underneath.

_ Well. If that’s not a sign, then I don’t know what is. _

“You all need healing,” Caduceus said, trying to sit up, but Fjord insisted on keeping him down. “What’s wrong?”

Fjord smiled slightly, tears still fresh in his eyes.

“You were down for the count for quite a bit,  _ mein freund _ ,” Caleb explained, wincing as he jostled his own wound. At Caduceus’ concerned face, he smiled painfully and shook his head.

“I believe the more important task lies with taking care of you,” he said.

“You - ” Fjord caught himself before the break in his voice could get any worse. “You weren’t just...gone. We couldn’t get to you. We kept trying, and trying - ”

“Your spell hurt it!” Jester interjected. “It kept burning it, and we kept hitting it, but we couldn’t - ”

“H - how long?” Caduceus asked. The coat almost seemed to flash in the dim light around them, and he held up a hand. “Don’t answer that.”

“How long do you think you were gone?” Yasha asked quietly.

Caduceus gazed at the coat, then at his friends.

“Long enough to do some reflecting.”

Fjord let out a short wet laugh.

“What on earth does that mean?”

Caduceus carefully guided himself to a sitting position. He felt weak, and slightly nauseous, but he could still feel a few remnants of the Wildmother’s magic within him.

“I’ll tell you,” he said softly, gesturing to Caleb. “If you let me help you.”

The wizard obediently limped forward. Upon kneeling beside Caduceus, he tilted his head.

“You look wiser.”

“Is that possible?” Veth joked.

“Well, when one experiences certain things…”

“Shut up and let him heal you.”

Caduceus extended a somewhat shaky hand, and Fjord steadied his arm. He watched Caduceus’ face as he guided his fingers across Caleb’s wound.

“You...you didn’t want to come back, did you?” Fjord whispered, so only Caduceus could hear it.

He winced.

“Maybe,” he answered as Caleb got up and helped Beau over. “Once upon a time.”

“What happened?”

“A guardian angel.”

He had a feeling that Mollymauk wouldn’t appreciate the pious term, so he amended his words.

“Well...more like a colorful stranger.”

Fjord laughed at that as Caduceus finished healing Caleb. The act felt refreshing. Invigorating. Like something had finally settled in his magic, in his very soul, and allowed him to live, and live well.

“Come on,” he said to Fjord. “I have work to do.”

The man helped guide him carefully to his feet, and though he felt slightly woozy, there was something about seeing his friends that made him feel so  _ alive _ .

“I’m glad you’re with us, Cad,” Fjord said softly.

Truth, clear as day, fueled Caduceus’ next words.

“Me too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Gonna be updating every three days, with the final chapter on Christmas Day!
> 
> I'm all-made-of-stardust on Tumblr!
> 
> (side thanks to Pawthorn for letting me take inspiration from their fic in relation to Cad's thoughts on suicide and death)


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